there's a hole in her pocket and now she has no home

i haven't eaten anything but a bowl of edemame & 2 slices of munster cheese the past two days.it hasn't been because i can't afford to eat, or because i've been to busy to eat. simply because i haven't had an appetite. yesterday, even - i went to "dinner" with some old friends and i ate nothing. if you know me, you know that this is weird. today i tried to force myself to eat, but it's almost as if my body is rejecting anything i put near my mouth. who knows.

i've also had the desire to smoke a cigarette more than once the past few days. i've gone a good while without smoking one, which i'm very proud about. (s/n: people are always really surprised that as a christian i've admitted to smoking cigarettes. my response to that is: c.s. lewis also smoked cigarettes (ha!). cigarettes are just another thing to get addicted to & rely on & is also very unhealthy...which is the only reason i've given it up. it wasn't out of conviction. it wasn't because it was defining my christianity or lack there of or whatever. i quit because its a filthy habit.) what's weird is that just last week, there was someone standing outside of my building smoking one and i could smell it and it made me feel sick to my stomach. but then yesterday night, i dreamed of sitting in the papasan on my balcony under the winter sky and just thinking with one. or maybe a clove light with some blueberry tea. yum. i have a whole pack of cigarettes sitting on my dresser. did i smoke one? no. why do i still have them? to prove to myself that i can really, really quit. not just because i don't have them lying around. i have no idea why i shared this with you.

in addition to a lack of appetite & the spark of past addictions, i've been having these really weird dreams lately. all of the people, places, and situations in my life - from childhood to now - that i've always felt have someway, somehow made me feel insecure but all mashed together. what odd dreams to have, huh? like in one dream- i'm sitting at a table with my high school sweet heart . we walk over to a table with all of his friends and they just sit and whisper with each other about me and then i wake up. in another dream - there is a girl from my childhood that i would always see at the same auditions i went on. there she was, watching me on stage and all i can hear during my performance is her laugh filling the auditorium as she sits and points at me in disgust.

i feel that maybe my body & even my dreams have responded to the feelings in my heart. its the same story. its like my heart has these hands that grow and grow but can't seem to grasp anything. but these hands keep trying because all the hearts ever known to be true is that loving, even in the most general sense, is the hardest but also the most rewarding thing you can ever do. its an uncomfortable place to be. i wish i had a name for this feeling because what ever it is, is the most unfortunate of feelings. its like vertigo or food poisoning or looking at the sun for too long.

my next post is going to be about how lately there have been ahelluvalotta happenstances that keep making me think i need to be back in europe. this is the truth. but for now - i have nothing else to say.

the lonely nights divide us in two

the past few days have been great ones. I found myself wishing i had my camera with me several times...so please remind me to start carrying it around so that i can show you all my joy for the lately in pictures...

- thursday was ending our separation from our favorite place - cogan's. i didn't get my california dreamin this time, but they pasta was sooo good, gurl.

- friday was desert at cheesecake factory & where the wild things are - which justin hated.

- saturday was dinner at longboard's in downtown portsmouth & an aventinus at the bier garden then tanqueray with sarah & josiah till, 5 am. don't ask why. especially when we had to be on set at 9 AM. . . ugh

- sunday - 9 AM call time. filming lasted till about 6. looong day on 3 hours of sleep. Justin also surprised me with a house warming gift - the sartorialist book!

- monday was 2 interviews, which went pretty well, but i'm not sure if i want to take either position, then lounging around till dinner @ tortilla west & pottery painting at Color Me Mine! Justin wanted to paint me a coffee cup & I painted him a cereal bowl. we also read 2 more chapters in the book we are reading together, The Thief of Always by Clive Barker. I love the Holiday House! I wish it was a reality....Justin says I shouldn't be so quick to that conclusion...

Coming up:

- 2 days of 10-7
- thursday: Costumes & Indy watching & pumpkin carving ( yes, again )
- Satruday: Halloween!! Kal's party? What else is happening?!?



someone find me a job with weekends off so i can have more days like these!!!

home is wherever i'm with you

i've neglected you, blog. i'm so so sorry.
i tried taking the tumblr turn and although i'll still be posting beautiful things on there, my mind has been too crowded, and i feel that reverie has always been a safe place for my mind to put its feet up...

i honestly have no idea where to start in describing the past few months of my life. so many things have changed. so many faces have faded. so may faces have become so familiar and comforting.

for starters - i've moved into a teeny little 2 bedroom apartment in the heart of ghent. it's been a dream of mine for a while now to be able to live exactly where i want, in an apartment that i really love, with someone that i trust and have a good relationship with. all of those things have turned into reality and to top it all off - i can walk to my favorite restaurants and i live within blocks of some of my favorite people. things have been coming together slowly but i can finally say that i feel at home somewhere. work has been a contradiction of feelings. some days i feel proud of what i've been able to accomplish professionally at my age, but most days, i find myself dissatisfied. dissatisfied that i have to fill in spots for people that don't work as hard as i do and dissatisfied that i haven't been able to travel as much as i used to. my office, (aka my portsmouth store) is a huge red jail cell. it's funny how sometimes in life, you'll feel completely satisfied and fulfilled in every area but one. in my life at least. i wonder a lot of times why i can't bring myself to demanding for more as far as work goes - and i find myself going home & cleaning or organizing or planning to fill the lack of challenge at work. ultimately...when i wake up most mornings, the only thing i like about going to work is the money and the drive there - there is no substance in what i do and it makes me sick to my stomach. there have been meetings and discussions about more business ventures and people wanting to use my "brilliant mind" to put more money in their pockets. i've come to the realization that professionally - i have no idea what i want to do and if anything, i'd like to take a break from working to pursue the things i really love. oh man. i am r a m b l i n g g g g . . .

...besides work...there are many things i've been so very grateful for. i have established great weekly traditions with some great women aka ladies nights - which i have been missing so much. i've got a great roommate who has been spoiling me with cool things to make my house a home. my family is healthy and happy. and of course! i have a boyfriend who has been THE most amazing friend and the most nurturing and has taken care of me and helped out so much and relieved a lot of the stress i've had from moving and work and etc. speaking of dreams - at times, with him, i feel like i'm living one. because its everything i've ever wanted and more. and then, i realize that it isn't a dream and his hand is really holding mine and that reality can sometimes be so sweet.

coming up:

- oct 16 - house warming party 9pm
- oct 17 - DC/Ikea to buy some last min things
- oct 31 - halloween! justin & i are dressing up as Archie & Veronica. tell me that isn't the best?
- first 2 weeks of Nov - Mom & Dad are in Italy =(
- Nov 16 - Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros in DC
- Nov 26 - thanksgiving!
- Nov 27 - Indy's 1st Birthday!!


thanks for letting me ramble.

TUM
BLR

best friends day!

Best Friends Day 7 from Dan Nelson on Vimeo.

come with. its going to be uh may zinng

making the good Lord laugh a little bit

i've come to realize that i'm at a point in my life where it can be really easy to just settle and get comfortable with things. i know and believe in my potential and i honestly don't care how arrogant that sounds. i'm terrified of settling with anything that isn't challenging me as a person and helping me grow. my dreams to open paper heart have been dulled by being wrapped up in my real day time job as it's gotten busier and busier and i continue to go to sleep at night thinking, "God, I hope this isn't it. I need a way to break out of this..."

Initially my mindset was, "Julia, you have a job. Be thankful for it" and don't get me wrong I am. But I have been working for this company for almost 5 years now and all I have to show for it is a great resume and a paycheck. It's definitely been a great learning tool as far as running a business goes, but i feel like i'm past that. i'm ready to move forward. a lot of people have been wanting updates on paper heart and i haven't really had anything to say. I can say that one of my goals in life is definitely to be a business owner and i worked very hard at it for a good two or three months - just doing a lot of research, getting advice from other business owners, and talking to investors. I was set and ready to do it, but then i got cold feet. i was inches away from signing a contract with an investor and started getting nervous about if i really wanted to take on such a huge responsibility. i started thinking about money and bills and being 22 and then being 40 and being hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt. i lost sleep over it. it was like a huge revelation to me.

so here i am, 22, working a job that "pays the bills". Stressful, but not at all challenging.
here's this dream that is completely attainable but extremely intimidating. and as much as i want to do it, and am willing to, why don't i feel passionate about it like i used to? not so much that i'm not passionate about it as, why am i not willing to take the risks i know its going to take. why am i not ok with the possibility of it not working out? i feel like if you make a life investment, which a business IS - a life investment, you should have zero doubts and it should be something burning inside of you. a few months ago i had this urge and need to fulfill that dream, and now its just not there?

maybe i'm just burned out from running these stores? maybe i've come to realize that 4 walls isn't for me anymore. maybe i'm being smart? whatever the reason, i'm struggling internally with questions i had when i was 18 - only this is kind of part two of the question - i've landed a good job - but what is it that i really really want to invest my time and life in?

and this part 2 of the question has spread to every area of my life. i won't get into that now but, even the thought of getting married and not being with someone that i know is going to keep things at a growing and challenging and beautiful place like that, i don't even want it.


so here's a question: what should julia do with her tiny little life? where do you picture me in 20 years?

"you give and take away"

i don't really feel it necessary to use too many words for this one, so here are a list of things i've learned the past month or so:

1) the difference and sometimes very hard to see dividing line between a blessing & a curse.
2) 7/10 women cannot be trusted. especially if A) you hardly know her and she wants to be your best friend and "play" all of a sudden & B) if you yourself have already warned other people that she cannot be trusted. please don't let this offend any of you, but its so true. and all of us women know it. (and this is absolutely not applicable to anyone that i know is following this blog.)
3) that the constitution of family is a very great learning tool & that it should definitely be valued, no matter what walk in life you are, or how smart you think you are.
4) how much i hate being on the other side of the, "i can't believe that is coming out of her mouth" - line. ALWAYS no matter how awful or off you're feeling...think before you speak! NO EXCEPTIONS!
5) the TRUE value of a dollar.

and finally (the same lesson i've learned time and time again):

6)) No matter how close you are to someone; no matter how much you have done for them, defended them, or have been loyal to them; and no matter how much you feel like or are told you are their best friend, always guard your heart, & realize that you only really see who your real friends are when times are tough and the dust clears. ( the EXACT reason why, sarahmarie & ruth have been my best friends for years. we're always honest with one another and have always been each other's biggest fans. i need more people like the two of them in my life.) It is absolutely all about how they pick their fights, how they defend you, & what kind of bandwagon they are trying to hop on. To put things bluntly, until they've stuck it out with you, you should never invest your happiness in anyone else but yourself & your god. Always prepare yourself for the falling out, because you never ever know when it will come. continue to be a good friend to them BUT you are not required to give back what isn't being given to you. in one word: reciprocity.



i'm sorry if this post was depressing but its absolutely everything i've been thinking lately.
& p.s. i've been having a really reallly great few weeks.
& p.p.s. i have this weekend off and its going to be awesome
& p.p.p.s. i'm so excited about best friend's day in richmond with sarahmarie!

ciao.