Thursday, September 9, 2010

say goodbye and say hello

i'm getting married in 16 days.

in the rush of everything i haven't had the chance to sit down and really think about how much life is about to change. from the day that justin proposed to me it's literally been non-stop. primarily because of work and, well, planning a wedding in 6 months. but now, those months are gone and 16 days from now i'll have a new last name and i will be a friend, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, and, a wife.

i don't really know how to describe it. so many of my friends who aren't married yet have picked my brain about how i've handled everything and have asked if it's as fun as you imagine it to be as a young girl and the truth is... No. I can't say that the way I feel about being 16 days away from proclaiming the ultimate love and commitment to someone is anything that I ever thought it would be. It is not rainbows and butterflies 24/7. In fact it is absolutely, the most trying time you'll ever have in your relationship...ever. you are legally giving yourself to another human being. you are taking your space and sharing it with someone else. you're giving up your rituals for something that works for the both of you. you are no longer you. you are no longer a 1. you are now a .5

the good news is, ultimately, that is as bad as it gets. working out all of the crazy details and through the legal stages and the closing of this account and opening of this and deciding who keeps what and who's thing of who's do we use and meeting new family and all of that is extremely stressful and can really put a lot of strain on the relationship. it makes you want to question whether or not any of it is worth it. And the good once again outweighs (your selfishness). Because you really realize you'd go through it all again and again if you had to. You find yourself doing mandatory self inventory. you step outside of your comfort zone and you learn so much. you are stretched and your patience and grace grows and your spirit feels good about it all.

not to mention the fact that you are spending the rest of your life with your best friend. marriage allows you to come to a realization that there is actually someone in the world that absolutely cannot live a day without you. there is reciprocity. it's a man on his knee telling you that his life would not be complete without you. it's a man giving up his own agenda and giving you the ultimate promise of loyalty, friendship, and provision. that he is no longer a 1 but a .5. All of the searching and lonely nights and insecurity and heartache is over. here He is. "the one".

tonight, just like every night, i will ask God again to make me a good wife. i want to be a good wife.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Bleachin' your teeth, smiling flash Talking trash, under your breath

she sat poised.

"which one today?" she thought as she traced through her rollodex.
behind her stood a canvas. a painting she was working on of herself that hadn't yet been completed. she wasn't getting paid for another 2 weeks so she'd have to wait.

"Ah! Bryan.. "

bryan was husky and painfully awkward. he was an artist - in craft and in character.

"bryan.. . i'm in love with you. oh..i know its been a few weeks, but that doesn't matter. oh shut up. lunch? of course. come over. i'll show you the painting i started. bring your paints too. "

there's a knock on the door.

"steve. i thought you were working today? . . . flowers? you shouldn't have. ok. stay the night after work?"

steve was boyish. he loved her. she was bored with him.

she pops in the "love songs" mix from mark (the boy she met first. this was the first of the many mixes he gave her. the last was called the, "i don't give a shit" mix.)

she looks at her painting - deciding on how to finish it.
a song comes on that reminds her of the night she met daniel and she begins to tear up.

there's another knock on her door. she wipes the tears away as she gently pulls one of the straps down and off her shoulder.

that night she looks at the canvas delighted.
"A masterpiece"

Saturday, January 9, 2010


1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
made myself a home. met the love of my life.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i think my resolution was to quit smoking. so yes! i did keep my resolution.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth or get pregnant?
literally - more than half

4. Did anyone close to you get married?
casey & miah got married - everyone else just got engaged.

5. Did anyone close to you die?
no, thankfully so.

6. Travel?
this is the one year that i pretty much stayed put, sadly.

7. Did you move anywhere?
as of october i'm a proud west ghent resident.

8. What was the best month?
every month has gotten better.

9. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
i'd like to be completely 100% debt free!

10. What date(s) from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
too personal to share on here. but the day definitely changed my life.

11. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
moving to ghent. paying all of my own bills all on my own!

12. What was your biggest failure?
staying at a company i hated working for

13. Did you suffer illness or injury?
nothing serious. thank God.

14. What was the best thing you bought/were given?
justin built me a beautiful bike. christmas was amazing too.

15. Whose behavior merited celebration?
my niece olivia's behavior always merits celebration.

16. Whose behavior made you appalled and/or depressed?
ha. pshh. uh can't talk about that.

17. Where did most of your money go?
rent and bills!

18. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
moving to ghent. falling in love!

19. What song will always remind you of 2009?
how about, "middle cyclone" - neko case (the whole album) & "home" - edward sharp & the magnetic zeros

20. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier!
ii. richer or poorer? poorer. i was living at home this time last year. haha

21. What do you wish you'd done more of?

22. What do you wish you'd done less of?

23. How did you spend New Year's Eve/Day?
my nye party at the sandler center

24. What was an unexpected surprise?
dating justin

25. Did you fall in love in 2009?

26. What was the best concert you've been to this year?
wilco in dc

27. What was your favorite TV program?
i don't watch much tv but i really love no reservations.

28. Do you dislike anyone now that you didn't dislike this time last year?
we'll skip this one.

29. What was the best book you read?
the road - cormac mccarthy earlier this year

30. What was your greatest musical discovery?
beck's record club. edward sharpe & the magnetic zeros. "reh dog"

31. What did you want and get?
i wanted a real life. one with everything exactly as they were. no more fake people. no more fake feelings. etc. and i pretty much got exactly that.

32. What did you want and not get?
a puppy. and to go to greece.

33. What was your favorite film of this year?
fantastic mr. fox / up in the air / coraline / inglorious bastards

34. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
family dinner followed by dinner and dancing with some close friends. also got tickets to see wilco in dc.

35. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
i would have liked a better work atmosphere

36. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
black. gray. white. comfort. jewelry made from other things? that about sums it up

37. What kept you sane?
a lot of prayer. friends and fam.

38. What political issue stirred you the most?
HA! where do i even start?

39. Who did you miss?
my best friend!

40. Random Memories from 2009?
random trips to DC. visiting friends in other states. seeing old faces. falling in love.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

imagination v reality

a lady came in my store today to pay her bill.
just as most customers do - while processing their payment for them - she began to make conversation with me.

her - "your necklace is beautiful."
me - "oh, thank you. it was a gift."
her - " is coming up. after this bill i won't have any money to buy gifts! Lord knows, i won't be getting any."

i continue with my process. counting money. pulling up screens. closing out screens. counting more money.
i attempt to pull up her account just as i always do in any interaction with a customer so as to discover a possible sale.

me - "ma' the account under your name?"
her - "no. well. yes, it should be."
me - "last four digits of the social so i can access the account please?"
her - "0725"
me - "hmm...that doesn't seem to be working. 0...7...2...5 ... yeah, its not working."
her - "okay. well try his. 5560."
me - "ah. okay...that worked. can i have the password on the account please?"
her - "password? what password?"
me - "well, its saying here that there is a password attached to the account. i cannot discuss the account with you without the password"
her - "well, first of all, my social should be attached to the account as of april of last year...we keep having this problem. second, i don't know about any password."
me - "that's fine. we'll call your husband and get this all straightened out."
her - "he's not my husband..."
me - "oh...okay. my apologies. we'll call mr. . . and get this all straightened out."
- i pick up the receiver. i dial his number. -

* ring ring*

her- "yeah. he never wanted to marry me."

* ring ring *

her - "we bought a house together. we had a business together. we had a child together. we sign contracts together. but he never wanted to marry me. *sigh* but, i love him. and i know he loves me. he just doesn't show it very often. good luck getting him, by the way. i haven't had much luck lately."

* ring ring*

- how awful, i think. -
- suddenly, i'm awaken from my thoughts as he answers...

him - "HELLO?"
me - "hi mr...This is Julia from verizon wireless."
him - "i'm not interested."
me - "oh, no sir, i have ... in the store here and she explained to me that she is authorized on the account. i just want to verify that."
him - ".... is there?"
me - "yes sir."
him - "what is she doing there?"
me - "well can i first get your name and your full social as well as the password on the account"
- he gives me the information & i enter it in. it all checks out -
me - well, .... is here in the store paying the bill and she explained to me the complications the two of you have been having whenever you guys try to access the account. i'm just attempting to straighten it all out for you guys.
him - "so she paid the bill?"
me - "yes sir. for the exact past due amount. would you like to add ms..... as an authorized user on the account?"
him - "....."
me - "sir? are you still there?"
him - "no. i don't know her. i'm not authorizing anything, and i never will. tell that bitch to leave me alone." * click *

- i look at the woman.

her- "can i speak with him?"

-she's hopeful. i put down the receiver. -

her - "so did you work it out?"
me - "ma'am..."
- inside i'm scrambling. i feel awful. i don't want to break this woman's heart anymore than it already is. -
me - "uh...the...the line dropped. he must have lost the call?"
her - "oh..well...let me try calling him."
- i begin to sweat -
her - "weird. it went straight to voicemail."
- i feel a nervous expression form on my face -
her - "*sigh* don't worry about it, dear. I'll talk to him tonight about it. we'll just have to come in together."
- she pauses in her thoughts. hand over her mouth. her eyebrows are pressed in confusion.
me - "what the HELL is happening right now?" i think. i'm speechless. i want to comfort her but know it isn't in my place.
- the woman is restless. she paces the store. she tries calling again -
her - " shit." she says under her breath. "he answered and hung up."
- she tries again -
her - "that bastard!"
- she tries again as she wipes away the tears forming in her eyes -
her - "thank you for your help"
- as she walks out, i see her try again. and again. -

In this business i've seen grown men calculate their affairs, i've seen secret messages, i've seen pictures of other women, bribes, "they can take my house, as long as i got my phone"s, starvation in place of missed communication, and hearts broken. you may not believe this - but in this industry - things get way too personal. you hear peoples stories, whether you like it or not.

its kind of driving me nuts. i need to find a new job.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

there's a hole in her pocket and now she has no home

i haven't eaten anything but a bowl of edemame & 2 slices of munster cheese the past two hasn't been because i can't afford to eat, or because i've been to busy to eat. simply because i haven't had an appetite. yesterday, even - i went to "dinner" with some old friends and i ate nothing. if you know me, you know that this is weird. today i tried to force myself to eat, but it's almost as if my body is rejecting anything i put near my mouth. who knows.

i've also had the desire to smoke a cigarette more than once the past few days. i've gone a good while without smoking one, which i'm very proud about. (s/n: people are always really surprised that as a christian i've admitted to smoking cigarettes. my response to that is: c.s. lewis also smoked cigarettes (ha!). cigarettes are just another thing to get addicted to & rely on & is also very unhealthy...which is the only reason i've given it up. it wasn't out of conviction. it wasn't because it was defining my christianity or lack there of or whatever. i quit because its a filthy habit.) what's weird is that just last week, there was someone standing outside of my building smoking one and i could smell it and it made me feel sick to my stomach. but then yesterday night, i dreamed of sitting in the papasan on my balcony under the winter sky and just thinking with one. or maybe a clove light with some blueberry tea. yum. i have a whole pack of cigarettes sitting on my dresser. did i smoke one? no. why do i still have them? to prove to myself that i can really, really quit. not just because i don't have them lying around. i have no idea why i shared this with you.

in addition to a lack of appetite & the spark of past addictions, i've been having these really weird dreams lately. all of the people, places, and situations in my life - from childhood to now - that i've always felt have someway, somehow made me feel insecure but all mashed together. what odd dreams to have, huh? like in one dream- i'm sitting at a table with my high school sweet heart . we walk over to a table with all of his friends and they just sit and whisper with each other about me and then i wake up. in another dream - there is a girl from my childhood that i would always see at the same auditions i went on. there she was, watching me on stage and all i can hear during my performance is her laugh filling the auditorium as she sits and points at me in disgust.

i feel that maybe my body & even my dreams have responded to the feelings in my heart. its the same story. its like my heart has these hands that grow and grow but can't seem to grasp anything. but these hands keep trying because all the hearts ever known to be true is that loving, even in the most general sense, is the hardest but also the most rewarding thing you can ever do. its an uncomfortable place to be. i wish i had a name for this feeling because what ever it is, is the most unfortunate of feelings. its like vertigo or food poisoning or looking at the sun for too long.

my next post is going to be about how lately there have been ahelluvalotta happenstances that keep making me think i need to be back in europe. this is the truth. but for now - i have nothing else to say.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

the lonely nights divide us in two

the past few days have been great ones. I found myself wishing i had my camera with me several please remind me to start carrying it around so that i can show you all my joy for the lately in pictures...

- thursday was ending our separation from our favorite place - cogan's. i didn't get my california dreamin this time, but they pasta was sooo good, gurl.

- friday was desert at cheesecake factory & where the wild things are - which justin hated.

- saturday was dinner at longboard's in downtown portsmouth & an aventinus at the bier garden then tanqueray with sarah & josiah till, 5 am. don't ask why. especially when we had to be on set at 9 AM. . . ugh

- sunday - 9 AM call time. filming lasted till about 6. looong day on 3 hours of sleep. Justin also surprised me with a house warming gift - the sartorialist book!

- monday was 2 interviews, which went pretty well, but i'm not sure if i want to take either position, then lounging around till dinner @ tortilla west & pottery painting at Color Me Mine! Justin wanted to paint me a coffee cup & I painted him a cereal bowl. we also read 2 more chapters in the book we are reading together, The Thief of Always by Clive Barker. I love the Holiday House! I wish it was a reality....Justin says I shouldn't be so quick to that conclusion...

Coming up:

- 2 days of 10-7
- thursday: Costumes & Indy watching & pumpkin carving ( yes, again )
- Satruday: Halloween!! Kal's party? What else is happening?!?

someone find me a job with weekends off so i can have more days like these!!!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

home is wherever i'm with you

i've neglected you, blog. i'm so so sorry.
i tried taking the tumblr turn and although i'll still be posting beautiful things on there, my mind has been too crowded, and i feel that reverie has always been a safe place for my mind to put its feet up...

i honestly have no idea where to start in describing the past few months of my life. so many things have changed. so many faces have faded. so may faces have become so familiar and comforting.

for starters - i've moved into a teeny little 2 bedroom apartment in the heart of ghent. it's been a dream of mine for a while now to be able to live exactly where i want, in an apartment that i really love, with someone that i trust and have a good relationship with. all of those things have turned into reality and to top it all off - i can walk to my favorite restaurants and i live within blocks of some of my favorite people. things have been coming together slowly but i can finally say that i feel at home somewhere. work has been a contradiction of feelings. some days i feel proud of what i've been able to accomplish professionally at my age, but most days, i find myself dissatisfied. dissatisfied that i have to fill in spots for people that don't work as hard as i do and dissatisfied that i haven't been able to travel as much as i used to. my office, (aka my portsmouth store) is a huge red jail cell. it's funny how sometimes in life, you'll feel completely satisfied and fulfilled in every area but one. in my life at least. i wonder a lot of times why i can't bring myself to demanding for more as far as work goes - and i find myself going home & cleaning or organizing or planning to fill the lack of challenge at work. ultimately...when i wake up most mornings, the only thing i like about going to work is the money and the drive there - there is no substance in what i do and it makes me sick to my stomach. there have been meetings and discussions about more business ventures and people wanting to use my "brilliant mind" to put more money in their pockets. i've come to the realization that professionally - i have no idea what i want to do and if anything, i'd like to take a break from working to pursue the things i really love. oh man. i am r a m b l i n g g g g . . .

...besides work...there are many things i've been so very grateful for. i have established great weekly traditions with some great women aka ladies nights - which i have been missing so much. i've got a great roommate who has been spoiling me with cool things to make my house a home. my family is healthy and happy. and of course! i have a boyfriend who has been THE most amazing friend and the most nurturing and has taken care of me and helped out so much and relieved a lot of the stress i've had from moving and work and etc. speaking of dreams - at times, with him, i feel like i'm living one. because its everything i've ever wanted and more. and then, i realize that it isn't a dream and his hand is really holding mine and that reality can sometimes be so sweet.

coming up:

- oct 16 - house warming party 9pm
- oct 17 - DC/Ikea to buy some last min things
- oct 31 - halloween! justin & i are dressing up as Archie & Veronica. tell me that isn't the best?
- first 2 weeks of Nov - Mom & Dad are in Italy =(
- Nov 16 - Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros in DC
- Nov 26 - thanksgiving!
- Nov 27 - Indy's 1st Birthday!!

thanks for letting me ramble.