1) Five songs I’d love to hear a couple use for the first dance at their wedding reception:
- i would walk 500 miles - less than jake
- god must have spent a little more time - n'sync
- baby got back - sir mix a lot
- have you ever loved a woman - bryan adams
- sweet child o' mine - GNR
2) Five products on whose label Rachael Ray will eventually be featured, grinning maniacally:
- uno cards
- rachael ray shaped pasta
- the rachael ray perfume; made entirely from extra virgin olive oil
- the rachael book of puns/joke book
3) Five titles you shouldn’t be allowed to give yourself:
- "playa hata"
- " master of the mix"
- "poet that didn't know it"
- " your mom"
-"shameless self promoter" ... (because frankly, who isnt?)
4) Five douchebag power tools:
- the lava lamp
- oakley S.I.s
- the journey's greatest hits album
- shell necklace
- axe body spray
5) Five musical embellishments that should be used in moderation:
- the end of song fade out
- the abrupt song ending
- filler words such as, "well" and "yeah" or especially, "yeah" and "no" in the same sentence
- the postal service songs in commercials / as acoustic covers / etc. etc.
- mandy moore
6) Five nouns from which it can be difficult to scrub the scent of utter bullshit:
- Global warming
- diet coke
- this thing : *
- the state of california
- whatever "IT" is in the phrase, "it was mutual"
7) Five phrases you may substitute if you are intimidated by overt swearing:
- cheese and rice
- holy feist
- geeze-a louisa
- cluster pluck
- you're such an anus
8) Five things I’ll bet can be hard for pirates:
- scratching an itch
- getting called captain hook all the time
- sobriety tests
- keeping their clothing from being stolen from the olsen twins
- getting into heaven
9) Five kitchen tools that sound kind of dirty:
- muffin pan
- cookie drop
- basting brush
- sillicone trivet
- lemon squeezer
10) Five possible meanings of that Kanji tattoo you can’t read:
- "Dance like EVERYONE's watching"
- "Amberlee", "Ashlee", or "Kaylee"
11) Five Halloween costumes your sorority sisters are considering:
- playboy bunny
- charlies angels
- sexy wendy/sexy dorthy
- sexy back
- chris crocker
12) Five inevitabilities I find exhausting:
- the whole "julia-gulia" thing
- with mention of my home town being virginia beach - the question, "Were you like, always at the beach?!?"
- during introductory conversation, the need to discuss indie bands as proof of one's coolness
- quotes from the office
- "will you like, take me shopping...puh-leassee??" STOP IT.
13) Five things I’d like to see become inexplicably cool amongst urban hipsters:
- Geordi La Forge's Glasses on StarTrek
- The cup game. So instead of Dance offs there would be Cup game offs.
- instead of a friendly nick name like, "home boy" or "Dog" - - the use of the word "tiquito"
- a dance called, "ramen noodle soup"
14) Five things that make it hard for me to take you seriously:
- lower back tatoos
- pronouncing any word starting with the letters W-H- such as "what" or "which" or "when" with the "wh--" sounding like you're about to whistle
- if you wear an upside down visor or wife beater out in public
- if your name is bethany
- if you are missing an extremity. ( no offense. its just the truth?)
15) Five games that looked a lot more fun on TV:
- mouse trap
- hungry hippos
- slip n slide - not fun when you're a girl
- trivial pursuit
16) Five cultural phenomena that completely passed me by:
- gwen stefani
- linkin park
- the term "throw back"
- global warming
17) Five things that must be stopped immediately:
- when girls use the term "hellz yeah!"
- avril lavigne
- fast-food playgrounds - - especially the ball pits
- british celebrities making political statements about the U.S.
18) Five things that have gotten more complicated than I’d really like:
- security check points
- tooth brushes
19) Five things you just don’t hear much about anymore:
- Moby ( and no, i am not upset about it )
- those sunglass things that you can snap onto the front of your eye glasses
- Monitors thicker than 5 inches
- woopie cushions
- the token black guy in movies
20) Five things that I’m still pretty suspicious about:
- ally & aj
- cellphones causing brain cancer
- the reason behind short macbook battery life
- peanut butter