Monday, September 22, 2008

vomit

"Like a dog that returns to its vomit Is a fool who repeats his folly."

- proverbs 26:11



i think that the biggest poison of my generation has been one thing: selfishness.

sometimes i can't believe how much has happened in the past 7 months. not only in my life, but in the lives of others around me. there has been loss, there has been gain, there has been hurt, and there has been joy. sometimes when i think about the group as a whole, i wonder what people must think about us. me included. are we crazy? does mtv have hidden cameras installed at the places we hang just so they can mirror the plot of the hills after us? i mean seriously...what in the world are we thinking half the time? but we're young right? who cares? we have so much time! there's too much fun to have...

that thinking, THAT is the selfishness i'm talking about. its all great until we find ourselves alone and hating ourselves for our actions. and then there's so many people to apologize to. and there's so many wrongs to make right.

and then.
and then.
again.
and again.



and really, there's no one to judge for any of this. all it is the poison.
selfishness has affected us all one way or another in the last 7 months. whether or not you believe it...its true. this includes myself. selfishness was made for the "intelligent", for those kids on survivor that lie about their grandmothers being dead just to get to the million. selfishness "pays off". or at least, we hope that it does. sometimes i think that if i wasn't so selfish about certain things, thomas wouldn't have decided to leave. i also believe that if thomas wasn't so selfish himself, he wouldn't be acting the way he is now. but in both our minds...what it came down to was our need to please ourselves regardless of the effects.

don't get me wrong. i will never excuse thomas for calling me a "stupid bitch" or a "silly cunt", but the truth is the truth, and the more i think about things, the more i realize that there are things that i believe i could have done differently. there were things that i didn't have to lie to him about. there were things that i didn't have to judge him for. there were more reasons that i allowed for, for me to give him the trust he deserved. there were things we BOTH could have done differently - and for that, i cannot blame the end completely on him. what i DO blame him for, is the hurt i feel now. that even after all of the apologizing i've done, he's choosing to be a jerk and say mean things, just to say them. i've done my part, and he, is just being selfish.

having said that, there is nothing more for me to do than to learn from it. i will not only never EVER go back to him - [ and really, even the thought of myself ever giving him any bit of me again makes me sick to my stomach ] - but most of all, i have obtained an eerie lesson of how the poison i give out can end up back in the water i drink. that selfishness is a boomerang. a bad check. an echo. it satisfies and then it devastates. a white lie. an ignored phone call. name calling. and even my need to keep something that was that destructive together just so i could be satisfied emotionally. physically. even when i knew it was hurting me. THAT is selfish.


I have taken the past 7 months to realize 3 very important things:
1) I don't have time and am too old to play games with people.
2) I don't have time to rely on other people to make me happy. [ mainly realized by the lack of a serious relationship in my life, which is a foreign concept to me, but has made me more aware of who i need to be for myself - which in a way, if done positively and as a good, pure, thing, is the only form of, for lack of a better term, "good selfishness" ]
3) the self centered, i don't care if it hurts people, me-me-me kind of selfishness is vile and cheap. It gets you NO WHERE.

And in those 7 months...I have not ONCE sat at work, obsessing about whether or not him and I are fighting or not fighting. Or if he loves me or doesn't love me that particular day. Or if he's cheating on me or what this comment or that post of his meant. And it has been the most at peace I have been with myself in a long long time. NOTHING can replace that.

So, this is what I think about the way the wind has been blowing -


what's done is done. and there's no reason to look back. and there's no reason to call for war. and there's no reason to feel like it is our responsibility to teach those affecting us or those we are affecting a lesson. because the lessons learned in selfishness always finds their way into us one way or another. and it always stings harder and harder.

we need a break.
all of us. we need to grow up, quit playing in the dirt, find our footing and start towards our REAL dreams and REAL goals.

if you're in love. love.
if you're into her, don't hide it.
if you're into him, don't hide it.
if you're not going to look back. then cut out your peripheral vision.
if you want to keep the peace. put your guns away.
and if you want to be selfish. prepare yourself for what'll hit you. because it will.


we can't keep on this. we can't play middle school games. lets handle this the right way. from now on.


i love you all.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

JR, this is Brandon. That was very well written and i respect you for putting your thoughts out there. You can do much better than thomas, i thought that since the first time i saw him. Dont beat yourself up over, or even worry about people who are not willing to beat themselves up / worry about you.
Selfishness is a funny thing. Ive been thinking about the word a lot lately. I feel that there is an extent that people need to be selfish to. I feel selfish with my life a lot of the time. I want to do what i want to do, and if its not hurting anyone why not? (its not helping anyone either) i want to buy what i want to buy, i want to live the way i want to live, because when it comes down to it, if we arent doing what we want to do with our lives... then why are we alive?
The problem is that balance. The balance of living in a way that is fun and fullfilling for ourselves that also does not infringe on others comfort or hard earned relaxation. Its hard. Every time i think i have it all figured out i realize ive been causing my parents to lose money for the past month, or ive driven away a friend because i wanted to act this way for a month, or i dont have time for so and so, or i'm not furthering myself as an intelligent human being due to the way i am living, ect, ect. Its hard. You are smart and will figure this out before i, so do let me know what you come up with.

-brandon

kimjong said...

amen
and amen
growth be for us all!

johnAM said...

"all of us. we need to grow up, quit playing in the dirt, find our footing and start towards our REAL dreams and REAL goals.

if you're in love. love.
if you're into her, don't hide it.
if you're into him, don't hide it.
if you're not going to look back. then cut out your peripheral vision.

if you want to keep the peace. put your guns away.
and if you want to be selfish. prepare yourself for what'll hit you. because it will."





...Exactly.