Thursday, November 20, 2008
i've realized something.
There comes a time in a woman's life where she becomes ok with certain things. Ok in the sense that, she realizes that hey, I'm never gonna change it...so why stress?
There also comes a time in a woman's life where she begins to see patterns of things, brought by emotions, relationships, our physical beings, our spiritual beings, that turn into something like a routine. a second nature routine that we don't even know we're taking part in...its kinda just us in motion. i've always admired women like this...and my aunt used to say that every woman eventually goes through a time where they come to an understanding with themselves.
i'm realizing that these two things have crept up on me. i like being a woman and learning things. i like when the better things creep up.
i layed in my bed yesterday and thought a lot about what went on this past year. it seems as though 2008 was the darkest for a lot of us. i felt a lot of pain and my loved ones felt a lot of pain and my friends felt a lot of pain. it was a tough year...but we all came out alive, which shows me that none of it was strong enough to beat us. thank God for that.
In my own life, however...i almost feel like i went head to head with a real demon. a demon that trampled on my heart, my self esteem, my peace. a demon that had no regrets and was reckless against - me and only me. i felt like i was in a boxing match trying my best to endure punch after punch. bight after bight. kick after kick. no one in my life was ever that in-humane, heartless, lacking in morale, disgusting, foul mouthed, pitiful as he was. no one in my life had ever been able to make me feel so worthless than he did. but in the past few days, thinking about him i feel no anger or sadness or wanting. in the past few days i've felt lack of feelings about thomas, and i feel as if that means something. i mean, not even a hint. what a relief. what a relief. what a release. what freedom. God is good.
God is good.
In addition, A few more things that have crept upon me this week:
- i'm finally ok with:
1) the shape of my nose
2) my height
3) the color of my eyes
- i tend to do the same things at the same time, every day. for example: getting hungry, using the bathroom, cigarette breaks.
- and with the latter, i've also realized that my need/want for a cigarette has drastically decreased! this is great news!
i've also realized that winter brings me love
and that summer brings me heart ache.
and that everything in between is up for grabs.
i did A LOT of thinking the past two days my phone was missing. in fact, i'm contemplating getting rid of it. how funny would that be?