Tuesday, April 21, 2009

have you ever looked in the mirror and have been faced with painful, menacing confusion? inside you feel like someone completely different from what you see. and it scares the hell out of you?


i'm not trying to be poetic. and its not so much that i don't know who i am as a person but...what is a body . i can see and feel and hear and cry and laugh but why a body? what's the point? what a weird thought. i guess i just don't know what to think when i look at myself. not in an aesthetic way. not in a self glorifying way or in wrinkles or anything like that. but who? who is that person you see? seriously. have i met her?

i think that sharing with you what i see and what i actually feel would be too intimate. and it hurts to say that but its true. i don't know how healthy this thinking is, but i'm thinking it. at first i thought...everyone feels this way. everyone is someone else, really. but the more i thought about it, i can name more people i'm sure could identify themselves as exactly what they see in the mirror and that i'm one of a few that have no concept of what i guess i can call, "reflection reality". reality being, what their heart beats. feelings and thoughts swirling in their heads and how it connects to the way i use my hands. or my posture. or the way i wear my hair. i'm probably confusing you.

i guess my question is, should someone identify themselves inwardly just as they do outwardly? at what point do you feel whole? in that your body feels at home in itself?

why do i get so confused when i see her? ugh....me?

this post should probably be private. but if you understand what i mean, it'd be comforting to know.


Joel said...

wow julia, i completely agree with ur thoughts on that. mainly the thought of "is this really the body that i belong in or am i just living some i should be?" well im glad that someone out there thinks about things that i think about as well.

Anonymous said...

This is covered by "Seen and Not Seen" by Talking Heads. It's definately my favorite song of theirs. I think the wierdest thing is that as soon as you identify yourself by your appearance, it changes... so you are still shocked by it. I know that I am sometimes.

louisa rothschild broocks said...

sometimes libby and I talk about how we forget what we look like. because we dont ever seem to remember it...and then when we look in the mirror we feel like its a 'first meeting' with ourselves. maybe because mostly i play make belive throughout my day. and im convinced that im not a human,so seeing a human in the mirror after a long day is upsetting.and then the trail of thoughts form....I know this is a different thing than what you are sharing but I feel the way you do as well. its quite confusing.sew sew sew confusing.