Thursday, April 2, 2009

on returning to cell B

i feel like a monster.
there are so many parts of me that i've been finding lately. i don't even know what exactly i've found, but its something different. make sense?
and i keep finding these things hidden in different pockets. pockets in jeans i don't fit anymore because i've gained savage weight. because i've been selfishly eating every little bit up. no matter the damage. no matter the infamousy.

what sucks is that it all tastes too good. it almost feels like a completely different self. like i've taken my body and gouged out my eyes and replaced them with new ones. or like, i've put the boss heels on and stomped and stomped and stomped and kicked and kicked and kicked to find even ground. a friend of mine said that its just the way the universe works. and that sometimes you just have to hurt people to be happy. and destroy to remain vigilant.

really?
i have to hurt people?
in life, do we really have to be ok with hurting people in order to get to point b?
i don't necessarily agree with this, but i think i understand his point.

i start to think.
maybe. i'm just too forgiving.
maybe. i'm too sensitive.
maybe. i over think things.
maybe. i like being a floor mat.
maybe. i'm confusing being a monster with someone that is just moving on positively.
you know. like in monster's ink. when they look big and hairy and scary and shit, but they're really sensitive people. with feelings. and metropolitan monster cities. and lives. and little monster babies? anyway...

the point is, i've felt awful about a lot of what i've had to do to make things move in my life.

kind of like going to the doctor with your infant child to give him his first shots and you know its good for him, but you've gotta do it. and it sucks. and it brings him tears, but in the long run...its all about health and sound mind and a healthy heart.

one day, i'm going to be ok with all of this. but right now, it feels awful.
not awful. uncomfortable. thats it, uncomfortable. kind of like the opposite of being comfortably numb. instead i'm uncomfortably happy. it all comes back to growing pains, i guess. because growing pains are never comfortable.

15 days till boy leaves.
help.

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