Monday, May 4, 2009

on being restless

i've always been a very independent type of person. i've always done my own thing, didn't like to follow trends, and was always considered the blacksheep of the family. anything that i wanted...i've pretty much been the type of person to just go and get it. and if i can't go and get it...i try my best to work towards it and make it happen. i definitely can't say that i've achieved all of my goals, but that's ok...i'm still young and God willing, i still have a lot of time to get it done. . .

but. no matter how great my life is at the moment, i've always been restless. i guess that its a normal feeling for someone my age to feel. but lately it has been something completely different and is honestly kind of hard to explain. i love virginia beach and i will always always call it home. but there comes a point in your life when you really start to feel like there just isn't anything left to be excited about. where "home" doesn't really feel like home. when you feel out of place because things just become way too familiarized and there's nothing left to discover. i've been wanting to move away for a really long time and i honestly think that those feelings were just the result of emotional baggage i was trying to run away from, hence me wanting to leave. i guess just to leave memories and places and familiar faces that i didn't want to be reminded of anything by.

at this point in my life, i'm completely satisfied with most things. i've got a great job & have been given even better opportunities. spiritually, physically, materialistically, i dont feel wanting or that anything is out of reach. but lately i have found myself wanting more in a relational aspect. not in the romantic or friendship sense...well...i guess kind of, but more so i've felt like i don't really have any friends that i can relate to right now. relate to, yes, in a girl type of way. you know, the, why are my boobs getting bigger? lets go shopping! she did what?? kind of way. with the exception of my darling amy hammond, all of my best girlfriends and i are in completely different places in life and its been a struggle to find girl time because we're all always preoccupied. my sisters are both married with kids, and 90% of their conversation has to do with how to discipline, how to have a husband, how to clean up poop, etc etc. 3 of my closest girlfriends don't live here and my girlfriends that live here are all usually MIA due to boyfriends. not that any of that is a bad thing, but i'm really itching to feel like i belong again. to have people that are in the same place in life as i am. goal oriented, successful, happy, willing to travel, independent? this is why i am so so happy amy and i have been hanging out! i feel like we have the same outlook on a lot of things and i'm definitely in need of some real girl time! i can see this summer already...dirty martinis & the outside bar/fire pits at catch 31. win.

maybe i'm really just jealous of all of the traveling my friends have been doing lately. i guess it doesn't help that a large percentage of my friends right now are either over seas, on tour, or living in awesome walk/bike kind of cities. hah. i guess in the mean time, i'm going to be thinking & praying about what my next step is. i don't think VB is where i need to be right now. whether or not that means putting Paper Heart on hold, or even looking for another city it would do better in...i really think that it's time for me to get out of my comfort zone and take huge leaps to really get what i want out of life. there's so much more out there to do and to feel and to learn. i need it all.

1 comment:

AHamSandwich said...

Jules I love this post. It's funny where we both find ourselves in life right now. I think that there is a deep passion and desire to be great in your life. Therefore you need to be around people or in a place that encourages those desires. When you don't feel that sense of accomplishment or adventure, that's when you begin to feel restless. It's the problem and beauty of being a passionate, wild, and driven young woman. Keep going girl, keep pushing and always seeking better and you will get it. So glad I have you!