Saturday, June 6, 2009

wake up now to what you are and what you're not

i really miss going out of town with a love and staying and discovering new diners and taking pictures and being happy. that is what i miss. i don't miss anyone in particular. i just miss being in love.

the other day kim and i went to the beach and i asked her if i she remembered me texting her, "i have a boyfriend." and her saying back, "i'm so so happy to hear you say that julia" and i asked her why she said it, and she explained it as simply being happy that i was able to feel love like she felt.

*puff. (that's my defeated noise in text form)

we had a girls night at bardo yesterday, which in the end, turned into unisex night. anyway, while at dinner, the girls and i discussed love and things like it and mid conversation i realized that a lot of what i feel is lacking stems from me not allowing myself to settle. which in many ways is better for my soul than anything else. for the first time in my life, i've found a group of girlfriends where each and every one of us is single and ok with it. maybe not completely ok with it, but, alright in that we aren't allowing ourselves to settle. and its not a superiority thing or something snobby. it's simply not allowing myself to be a floor mat, or a wallet in some dude's back pocket. thank you to nicole, michelle, amy, and ange for reassuring me that i wasn't alone and for showing me that it is ok to feel the way that i have been feeling because after all, it is what it is, and that settling is the worst thing you can do to yourself. and in talking with them, i've realized that in the past 3 months i've done a lot of weeding out and walking away from. in that i am proud of myself and can be satisfied. i'm allowed to miss those things, but how much more rewarding is love when there's reciprocity?

i just realized that i'm having a girl moment.

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