Friday, July 24, 2009

one wing

there's a feeling that has been creeping in & today's news has magnified it times 1 billion...

just found out some news about a girl i had been best friends with for about 6+ years. she was like my sister and besides ruth, she was one of the people i considered to be the closest to me. we met at a bible study when we were 16 and her, ruth, and i had been inseparable ever since. through years of break ups & boyfriends & heartaches, apparently she's found the love of her life and is engaged and living the dream we had always talked about.

unfortunately this past summer, she and i had a falling out, and as much as i would love to say that this is great news, it hurts to know that i can't be there to celebrate this time with her. i felt real pain and anger when all of this went down and up until finding out this news today, i had been ok with just living separate lives and never speaking again. i guess what comes to mind were our plans to have each other as bridesmaids and would predict how old we would be when we actually tied the knot. when i found out, i thought about all of the bridesmaids dresses hanging in my closet and with no disrespect to them, i probably still only talk to 3 / 7 brides that had me in their weddings. i think about the hundreds of dollars i spent on hideous dresses and about how i didn't really know most of them and am still confused as to why i was asked. i think about all of these things and compare it to how overjoyed i would have been to hear the news. how i would have cried and celebrated with her and how much this particular bride would have meant to me. . .

why are we even still fighting, again? i ask myself

and why does this sort of situation seem to happen so often in my life?
why have some of the most meaningful relationships in my life ended this way?
why have the people that have walked away from me given me such b.s., puzzling reasons?

reasons that come to mind:

- because of a stupid boy i kissed when i was 16 and him being, "the love of (her) life"

-"i don't know julia, it's like, the way you hold your cigarette..." (yes. a real reason given to me before)

-i accept your apology, but i still have the right to be bitter

-i can't give you what you want and deserve in life right now.

seriously, these things. e s c a p e me.
why are humans so weird and crazy?? why do some choose to grieve over reasons that for others are not applicable and in some cases, childish and petty?
i swear that while i was on my end loving, loving, loving, they were actually out for blood!


why have i lost so many of the people i love for reasons unexplainable to me?
is there really something wrong with me or am i just easy to blame?
and if there is something wrong with me, why won't anyone just give me a straight, solid, valid answer?
why are the reasons people give me so unsatisfying in my need to grow and be molded into something better?
should i even care if the reasons they're giving me are so completely and utterly bogus to me?
should i keep going and continue to cut them out of my life?

there my friends, lies the problem. its that i do care. and i wish i could still have these people in my life. and all of this JUST to say that this feeling is gathering like clouds blocking the sun and ready to rain. its this, strange fear of letting anyone in, all because of these past hurts and my obsession to avoid any and all situations that could possibly lead me to feel this hurt and upset over love lost. i don't ever want to feel this feeling again. ever. and the fact of the matter is when you do lose love, the only thing that hurts more than missing the person is not understanding why you've lost them. i can't do this again. i can't feel this upset, over and over.

i need good answers. i need understanding. right. now.

and this blog. is way too personal. oh well.

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