Tuesday, August 18, 2009

making the good Lord laugh a little bit

i've come to realize that i'm at a point in my life where it can be really easy to just settle and get comfortable with things. i know and believe in my potential and i honestly don't care how arrogant that sounds. i'm terrified of settling with anything that isn't challenging me as a person and helping me grow. my dreams to open paper heart have been dulled by being wrapped up in my real day time job as it's gotten busier and busier and i continue to go to sleep at night thinking, "God, I hope this isn't it. I need a way to break out of this..."

Initially my mindset was, "Julia, you have a job. Be thankful for it" and don't get me wrong I am. But I have been working for this company for almost 5 years now and all I have to show for it is a great resume and a paycheck. It's definitely been a great learning tool as far as running a business goes, but i feel like i'm past that. i'm ready to move forward. a lot of people have been wanting updates on paper heart and i haven't really had anything to say. I can say that one of my goals in life is definitely to be a business owner and i worked very hard at it for a good two or three months - just doing a lot of research, getting advice from other business owners, and talking to investors. I was set and ready to do it, but then i got cold feet. i was inches away from signing a contract with an investor and started getting nervous about if i really wanted to take on such a huge responsibility. i started thinking about money and bills and being 22 and then being 40 and being hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt. i lost sleep over it. it was like a huge revelation to me.

so here i am, 22, working a job that "pays the bills". Stressful, but not at all challenging.
here's this dream that is completely attainable but extremely intimidating. and as much as i want to do it, and am willing to, why don't i feel passionate about it like i used to? not so much that i'm not passionate about it as, why am i not willing to take the risks i know its going to take. why am i not ok with the possibility of it not working out? i feel like if you make a life investment, which a business IS - a life investment, you should have zero doubts and it should be something burning inside of you. a few months ago i had this urge and need to fulfill that dream, and now its just not there?

maybe i'm just burned out from running these stores? maybe i've come to realize that 4 walls isn't for me anymore. maybe i'm being smart? whatever the reason, i'm struggling internally with questions i had when i was 18 - only this is kind of part two of the question - i've landed a good job - but what is it that i really really want to invest my time and life in?

and this part 2 of the question has spread to every area of my life. i won't get into that now but, even the thought of getting married and not being with someone that i know is going to keep things at a growing and challenging and beautiful place like that, i don't even want it.

so here's a question: what should julia do with her tiny little life? where do you picture me in 20 years?

1 comment:

Jack Patrick said...

Farming, goats. But don't worry I can help you, cuz by that time I'll have chest hair.