Wednesday, November 18, 2009

there's a hole in her pocket and now she has no home

i haven't eaten anything but a bowl of edemame & 2 slices of munster cheese the past two days.it hasn't been because i can't afford to eat, or because i've been to busy to eat. simply because i haven't had an appetite. yesterday, even - i went to "dinner" with some old friends and i ate nothing. if you know me, you know that this is weird. today i tried to force myself to eat, but it's almost as if my body is rejecting anything i put near my mouth. who knows.

i've also had the desire to smoke a cigarette more than once the past few days. i've gone a good while without smoking one, which i'm very proud about. (s/n: people are always really surprised that as a christian i've admitted to smoking cigarettes. my response to that is: c.s. lewis also smoked cigarettes (ha!). cigarettes are just another thing to get addicted to & rely on & is also very unhealthy...which is the only reason i've given it up. it wasn't out of conviction. it wasn't because it was defining my christianity or lack there of or whatever. i quit because its a filthy habit.) what's weird is that just last week, there was someone standing outside of my building smoking one and i could smell it and it made me feel sick to my stomach. but then yesterday night, i dreamed of sitting in the papasan on my balcony under the winter sky and just thinking with one. or maybe a clove light with some blueberry tea. yum. i have a whole pack of cigarettes sitting on my dresser. did i smoke one? no. why do i still have them? to prove to myself that i can really, really quit. not just because i don't have them lying around. i have no idea why i shared this with you.

in addition to a lack of appetite & the spark of past addictions, i've been having these really weird dreams lately. all of the people, places, and situations in my life - from childhood to now - that i've always felt have someway, somehow made me feel insecure but all mashed together. what odd dreams to have, huh? like in one dream- i'm sitting at a table with my high school sweet heart . we walk over to a table with all of his friends and they just sit and whisper with each other about me and then i wake up. in another dream - there is a girl from my childhood that i would always see at the same auditions i went on. there she was, watching me on stage and all i can hear during my performance is her laugh filling the auditorium as she sits and points at me in disgust.

i feel that maybe my body & even my dreams have responded to the feelings in my heart. its the same story. its like my heart has these hands that grow and grow but can't seem to grasp anything. but these hands keep trying because all the hearts ever known to be true is that loving, even in the most general sense, is the hardest but also the most rewarding thing you can ever do. its an uncomfortable place to be. i wish i had a name for this feeling because what ever it is, is the most unfortunate of feelings. its like vertigo or food poisoning or looking at the sun for too long.

my next post is going to be about how lately there have been ahelluvalotta happenstances that keep making me think i need to be back in europe. this is the truth. but for now - i have nothing else to say.