Thursday, September 9, 2010

say goodbye and say hello

i'm getting married in 16 days.

in the rush of everything i haven't had the chance to sit down and really think about how much life is about to change. from the day that justin proposed to me it's literally been non-stop. primarily because of work and, well, planning a wedding in 6 months. but now, those months are gone and 16 days from now i'll have a new last name and i will be a friend, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, and, a wife.

i don't really know how to describe it. so many of my friends who aren't married yet have picked my brain about how i've handled everything and have asked if it's as fun as you imagine it to be as a young girl and the truth is... No. I can't say that the way I feel about being 16 days away from proclaiming the ultimate love and commitment to someone is anything that I ever thought it would be. It is not rainbows and butterflies 24/7. In fact it is absolutely, the most trying time you'll ever have in your relationship...ever. you are legally giving yourself to another human being. you are taking your space and sharing it with someone else. you're giving up your rituals for something that works for the both of you. you are no longer you. you are no longer a 1. you are now a .5

the good news is, ultimately, that is as bad as it gets. working out all of the crazy details and through the legal stages and the closing of this account and opening of this and deciding who keeps what and who's thing of who's do we use and meeting new family and all of that is extremely stressful and can really put a lot of strain on the relationship. it makes you want to question whether or not any of it is worth it. And the good once again outweighs (your selfishness). Because you really realize you'd go through it all again and again if you had to. You find yourself doing mandatory self inventory. you step outside of your comfort zone and you learn so much. you are stretched and your patience and grace grows and your spirit feels good about it all.

not to mention the fact that you are spending the rest of your life with your best friend. marriage allows you to come to a realization that there is actually someone in the world that absolutely cannot live a day without you. there is reciprocity. it's a man on his knee telling you that his life would not be complete without you. it's a man giving up his own agenda and giving you the ultimate promise of loyalty, friendship, and provision. that he is no longer a 1 but a .5. All of the searching and lonely nights and insecurity and heartache is over. here He is. "the one".

tonight, just like every night, i will ask God again to make me a good wife. i want to be a good wife.